Guess who's back? Back again...

Hello everyone! 

I'm aware I've been pretty absent and neglectful of this blog - it definitely doesn't deserve it as it helped me through the many crappy events of last year - but I hope you'll let me off as I have been super busy! With that in mind I have written this edition to elaborate on several of the FREAKING AWESOME things that have happened since my last post. You may want to make yourself a drink and get yourself cosy; we're going to be here for a while. Hey ho, let's go...

My Work Life
If my memory serves me right I believe that my last post was about leaving Midwifery and moving on to becoming a Library Assistant extraordinaire? Well, that happened. I've been at my library post for just over three months and I bloody well love it. I miss people I used to work with but not once have I missed actual Midwifery, so I'm pretty darn happy about that. Plus I now work with some of the most fantastic people that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting - very patient people who have answered my one billion, incredibly annoying, questions and have never once told me to go away. For this I have to say a huge thank you! One day I promise that I will become the World's Best Library Assistant, but for now I feel like my colleagues are mentally rolling their eyes when they see me heading their way - but thank you for not physically rolling them at me, it's much appreciated!
Midwifery - 0: Library Assistant - 1

My Personal Life
(Strap yourselves in everyone, this is where it get extra exciting *dramatic music*)
As of the 5th May 2018, I am now MARRIED! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hdjflshfdshfdskhfskhdsjweljwkewjklejklwejewk *excited noises*
Here's an incredibly arty photo of me and my new husband, eeek!

All credit for how good we look definitely goes to my fantastic photographer Claire - www.artbyclairephotography.com

We genuinely had THE BEST time ever and have to say a huge thank you to all that came and celebrated with us, we hope you enjoyed it as much as we did - if I could relive any day of my life that would be the one for me (funnily enough, the day I got diagnosed with cancer wasn't in the running...) I have to also give a big shout-out to Nyssa, my absolutely lovely and brilliant make-up artist for the day. If you're reading this (and I hope you are) just know you are fantastic and I would definitely not have had the courage to go wig-less if you hadn't been there with your awesome cheerleader skills! If anyone is looking for a makeup artist for anything, ever, look her up please - www.nyssaaddison.co.uk - she'll not only do your make-up, she'll also make you feel like you are the most amazing human being that ever walked this earth.

What else to update you on? Oh yes, I can briefly summarise our honeymoon if you would like? It was Amazing - it 100% earned that capital A. Brief summary over. Here's a photo of Warren pretending he has the necessary skills to fly a helicopter:

That was a helicopter flight over the Grand Canyon FYI. It was insane! In the best way.

What's that? You would like an extended "brief summary" of the honeymoon? Your wish is my command, as they say:

• 7 night cruise from Miami with day trips to Mexico, Belize and Honduras = bloody brilliant.
• 5 night stay in The Mirage in Las Vegas with a Grand Canyon helicopter tour, a meal in the Eiffel Tower restaurant, Cirque Du Soleil show and the CSI experience = bloody brilliant.

So there you have it folks, it was bloody brilliant. It took up pretty much all of our holiday allowance for the year but it was definitely worth it. Plus a big thank you to Auntie Beth (haha!) for dog sitting, Toby just told me to tell you that he misses you!

SKINNY DIP

Yes, you read that correctly - SKINNY DIP! Last month me and my bestie for the restie, Faye, travelled to Wicklow in Ireland to partake in an attempt at the world's largest skinny dip. With 2,500 women we flipping smashed it (we had to beat 700) and are now very proud Guinness World Record holders! It was women only and I fully recommend it to any woman out there - it was the most empowering day and the nakedness was such a small part of it. I've never seen so many shapes and sizes - it was definitely a fantastic reminder that people rarely look like how the media tells us that we should. We're going back next year, feel free to tag along!

It is definitely a contender for the best weekend ever. We may have lost a dog - and potentially stole a dog - at our Air Bnb (quite a long story - just know that it had a happy outcome) but I would do the weekend over again in a heartbeat. Here's a photo of us pre skinny dip (on the wine and doing fine at 10am!):

Life Without Larry

So I feel that I need to talk about my life post-cancer and I apologise for that. If you would like to skip this section then I will in no way hold it against you, for those still with me please just know that it's a little bit of a Debbie Downer.

I'm going to 100% honest right now. Alright? Here goes:

I feel like people expect me to be over the fact that I have had cancer.

There, I said it.

I have to say that I'm definitely in a much better place than I was before, but I still think about it and worry about it multiple times a day. I'm not over it and I don't think that I ever will be. I have days when I can't do much except cry; they are thankfully rare but they do happen, so if I last-minute cancel plans with you it's probably due to that and not that I don't want to hang out with you. I also struggle to make long-term plans and life goals as I have a little voice in my head that informs me that I probably won't live as long as everyone else. Sad but true, I feel like my whole life is one big question mark. I told you it would be a Debbie Downer!

I know that people have incredibly busy lives and I'm fully aware that I don't have cancer anymore, but it's always there no matter what I do. It's like Larry vacated his squat but he still sends me regular postcards.

I'm truly sorry to be so honest but this blog was born out of the fact that I needed somewhere to vent, so that's what I've done. F**k you Larry.

Now, I feel like I can't leave you on a downer so I've selected lyrics from another song that helped me through my cancer treatment. The song is 'I Lived' by OneRepublic and if you feel a bit crap I recommend it. If you were at the wedding you may know it as it's the one that made Faye and I actually run to dance!

"I hope that you spend your days

But they all add up,

And when that sun goes down

Hope you raise your cup,

I wish that I could witness

All your joy and all your pain,

But until my moment comes

I'll say

I, I did it all,

I, I did it all,

I owned every second that this world could give,

I saw so many places, the things that I did,

Yeah with every broken bone,

I swear I lived."

Until next time, blog fans, I wish you all the health and happiness in the world.

Love, Meg xx

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Year we go.

Cancer-versary

Today I feel that I have to write a blog post as it's a particularly important date; one year ago today I received the life-changing news that the lump I jokingly named Larry was in fact cancerous and out to kill me. Blunt but true. A year ago today my world got turned upside-down and things that I thought were important became significantly less so, all that was important at that stage was how I was going to kick Larry's little arse. And we did; now here I am in remission - with approximately 75% less hair but alive. I owe my life to the fabulous medical teams at both St Albans & Mount Vernon hospitals; I cannot thank them enough, they were bloody AMAZING. I also want to thank each and every one of you out there, I genuinely feel as though I would never have got through this with half as much strength if it hadn't been for all the love and support you have given me. 
THANK YOU!

If I have learnt anything throughout this (at times seemingly never-ending) journey it is this: don't waste your time stressing about the little stuff. Do what makes you happy, spend time with people that make you happy and the rest will sort itself out. Life is short but people are awesome, I'm happy for you to quote me on that!

I also have to send a shout out to the people I worked with on Monday (especially the particularly fantastic Irena). On Monday I found a lump in my armpit and I freaked out - not just a small freak out, it was a very messy affair. I've now had a scan and it's all absolutely fine but I just want to thank everyone who witnessed my freak out and calmed me down, I bloody love you all. One day I'm sure I will stop freaking out about every tiny change in my body and I canny wait! Cancer will not beat me but it is at the forefront of my mind most days so I apologise to anyone that thinks I talk about it too much. I'm trying to stop! 

I've decided that 2018 is going to be one huge year of awesomeness, whether it likes it or not. I have many plans already: getting married in May, honeymoon and I'm off to Ireland twice - once on St Patrick's weekend where we're dressing up as cheese (don't ask, I'm going to be mascarpone though!) and the second time in June when me and my bestie are going skinny dipping with hundreds of other ladies (most have been affected by cancer in some way) to break the world record! Bring. It. On. Watch out 2018, I'm coming for you.

Now to end I'm going to leave you with some song lyrics from one of the songs that got me through some particularly nasty times (looking at you, chemotherapy):

"If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone."

Yup, that is 'Don't Stop' by Fleetwood Mac. Yup, I have just quoted it at you. If you ever are having a crap time I guarantee that song will help, give it a go.

Until next time, team!

Love, Meg xx

P.S. Liking my story? Why not follow or subscribe by email below? I promise I won't bombard you with lots of blog posts, I'm strictly a every few weeks kinda gal.

Holy Chemo-ly!

It's a big, awesome update today blog fans!

Wowsers - it has been well over a month since my last post! Sorry about that avid readers out there but worry not as I have many updates for you today. Strap yourself in, it's about to go down.

Update number one and possibly the most important thing in my cancer journey so far: I HAVE ONLY GONE AND FLIPPING FINISHED CHEMOTHERAPY! I'm currently doing a small 'happy dance' as I type (and shout) that. My final dose was last Wednesday and I really wanted to post and update you all earlier but unfortunately the side-effects decided they weren't leaving without a bang; cue every single side-effect I've ever mentioned/struggled with appearing all on the same day and refusing to leave. Like socially awkward party guests they're still here but are slowly getting the hint that it's time to head home; if I could turn all the lights off and get them out sooner I totally would. The only thing keeping me sane is the thought that once they're gone, THEY'RE GONE. Finito. Never to ever appear again. I can't really remember what it was like when I felt 'normal' but I cannot wait for that day! Chemotherapy please consider yourself beaten, I owned you like a boss.

Although I have to say that my body didn't make my final dose easy, on the Monday prior to chemo I had my standard blood tests and found out that my pesky white blood cells were too low to even have the final dose. We rocked up on Wednesday as planned and they repeated the blood tests again, we then patiently waited to see if chemo would go ahead or be postponed by a week (Longest. Twenty. Minutes. Ever.) Luckily those little buggers had got their act together and multiplied to a good level (much appreciation for those little guys) so now here we are! I have to say I don't think the nurse was quite prepared for my ecstatic response when she told me that I would be having chemotherapy that day - I almost hugged her but then I quickly remembered I don't really like physical contact so I controlled myself. It was close though.

Here's a collage that I made of my time in the chemo suite:

Me and my many chins give Mount Vernon Chemotherapy Suite a big 'thumbs up'. Five stars but unfortunately I wouldn't go again.

"So Meg, is your cancer journey over now?" I hear you all ask? Unfortunately not team, now I'm moving on to the joy that is radiotherapy. Radiotherapy is where high-energy radiation is fired specifically at the site that Larry so recently vacated. I am scheduled for 18 doses in total, which means that, from 11th September, every day (Mon-Fri) for three and a half weeks I will pop over to Mount Vernon to be blasted with radiation for a few minutes. What a life! The plus side is that there are less side effects in comparison to the beast that is chemotherapy so I'm all over it like a rash.

Speaking of radiotherapy, today I went for my pre-radiotherapy planning appointment. This is a posh way of saying that I laid topless on a bench, had a little scan and then got tattooed (yes, you read that right - tattooed) with three little dots on my chest so that they know where to position the machine each day. That is one tattoo that I'm not overly keen on showing off, let me tell you. Also, I can now add three more to the list of people that have seen my boobs - it's almost getting to the point that I'd happily show anyone if they asked nicely enough. It's funny how matter of fact you become about showing people your boobs when you've had to whip your top off many many times! Page 3 here I come.

I have just realised that I have gone this long without updating you all on one thing that I am more than over the moon about - after my last chemotherapy dose they took out my PICC line which meant that I HAD MY LONG-AWAITED, MUCH-ANTICIPATED BATH! There's a lot of shouting in this blog today isn't there? I am unapologetic about that though, these awesome things definitely deserve it. Here's a photo of that epic moment for you all:

So. Many. Bubbles. And. So. Much. Awesomeness. I didn't want to leave and I've never seen my fingers so wrinkly than when I eventually dragged myself out. That definitely wins the best bath of all time award, I've only showered since as I'm worried my next bath will be a bit anticlimactic. We shall see. Also, those are my knees and not really pointy boobs. Having Larry the lump removed back in February means that unfortunately my boobs will never look like that, so I promise you that those are knees. 

For now I think those are all the updates I've got for you, I'm waiting for my hair to grow back and am a little bit excited to see it again. It's only been one week since my last dose, and I know that it can take a month or more, but every morning I find myself holding my breath and cautiously inspecting my head. It's like a long-lost friend returning, although if my body hair would like to stay away forever then I can't say I'll be upset. Yay to head, eyebrow and eyelash hair returning but boo to everything else.

So that's it for today team, thanks for tuning in everyone. Hopefully my chemo side-effects sod off, it's my birthday in two days and I really hope they're not holding out to join the celebration. I bet they are, the cheeky little sods.

Love, Meg xx

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Chemo-do dragon.

Hi there. 

I want to introduce this latest blog post by explaining that I started this blog for two main reasons: firstly to inform friends and family of what was happening throughout this extremely long process; secondly to have a place to vent my feelings. With that in mind I just want to let you all know that this edition is written very much for the second reason, and it's not a good day. I do have two bits of good news to update you all with though; I'll put that first so that you can stop reading if you're not in the mood for anything depressing. I won't be offended I promise.

So good news first: I have a new nephew! Here he is:

Everyone meet little Henry, he's just so squish-able and lovely! He was born last week on my chemo day so that was a lovely distraction, fun Aunty Meg is onto a winner with all these nieces and nephews! I also have to say that both my sisters are absolute bosses at having babies, they both pretty much had to be persuaded it was time to go to hospital. Proud of you, ladies!

Next bit of good news: remember those genetic tests I spoke about last time? Well earlier this week I found out that I don't have any mutations in those genes, meaning that as far as they're concerned I'm not genetically predisposed to get cancer. This also means that neither are any other members of my family! Woop! This is good news! Although for me personally I kind of put the whole genetics thing onto a metaphorical pile to process at a later date so I'm not cracking out the champagne just yet; that pile is pretty huge so I'm sure it won't be processed for a while. I kind of feel like I've processed enough for now, OK? But I'm so proud of my little genes, those fellas did good! So now I'm just one of those weirdos that got cancer and they don't know why, lucky me right?

So that was the positive stuff. Feel free to cut out now as I'm warning you that it's downhill from here.

Last Wednesday I had my fourth dose of chemo, I'm aware that's not blog-worthy news but what is different is that for that dose and the last two to come I'm now on only one medication; a beauty by the name of Docetaxel. I'm not going to quiz you so you don't need to remember that name but what I would like to draw your attention to is the side-effects linked with this bad boy, these include (but are not limited to):

• nausea,
• diarrhoea,
• loss of appetite,
• feeling weak or tired,
• headaches,
• muscle pain,
• joint pain,
• dry mouth and mouth sores,
• fingernail or toenail changes.

I know what you're thinking, pretty standard chemo side-effect list right? I agree with you there, it is. The problem has come for me is that I have managed to develop all (and I mean all) of these side effects at the same time and they will not leave me alone. Plus, whoever simply typed out 'joint pain' did that side-effect a disservice; imagine laying in bed awake all night because every part of your body is aching and there's nothing you can do about it. Another lady on a cancer forum (FYI - never in my life did I think I'd be a cancer forum subscriber) compared it to 'feeling like you've been run over by a bus' and I 100% agree with her. Well, actually I feel like I've been run over by said bus, which has then reversed back over me for good measure and then everyone on the bus has disembarked and are now videoing me with dreams of going viral. But I get where she was coming from.

Also, fingernail and toenail changes? How generic. What that actually means is that your fingertips will actually throb all day long and your fingernails and toenails will feel like some invisible troll is peeling them off; but when you check them they're still there and if they had faces they would probably be laughing at you. I can't press the buttons on the remote control properly, which majorly upsets me and completely ruins my daily Netflix binges. 

Now, you may be able to sense some anger in my writing today and you would be correct, I am angry. The main reason for this is because it's been nine days since chemo and nothing is improving. Every morning I get out of bed (after my nightly insomnia routine) and it's all still there. If just one thing went away each day I would be a much happier Meg. But it doesn't and I'm not. This feeling is heightened by the fact that I get breathless and tired if I walk for longer than ten minutes so I'm also not really leaving the house, plus it's way too hot to wear my wig at the moment and my head is now 60% bald. So it's pretty crap all round right now. Believe me when I tell you that there have been many tears shed and a whole bunch of weepy counselling sessions with my dog Toby. He's a great listener, I highly recommend him. Thinking of buying him some glasses and a posh notepad and pen so he can really get into the counselling role.

So in summary, I am fed up. It's taken a whole blog to come to that conclusion, but sometimes you've just got to let it out, you know? I promise I will try to make my next post more upbeat, which means I probably won't be posting for a long time. Ha! Also, if any of my lovely colleagues are reading this then I'm so sorry that I haven't been in to see you all lately; you can probably tell that it has been a bit crap but I plan to come back to you as soon as I can. I'm trying the 'power of positivity' thing but my body hates me apparently.

Now if you'll excuse me, Toby has just informed me it's time for our daily counselling session. He gets super mad when I'm late.

To end with here's a little joke I read on the forum:

"Knock, knock."


"Who's there?"


"Not your white blood cells, that's for sure."

Us chemo people are pretty damn funny.

Love, Meg xx

P.S. Liking my story? Why not follow or subscribe by email below? I promise I won't bombard you with lots of blog posts, I'm strictly a every few weeks kinda gal.

Meme me up.

So as you may have guessed from the title and what is possibly one of my favourite memes around:

 I AM OFFICIALLY HALFWAY THROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY!! 

If you read that and envisioned me shouting it then you would be correct; I just yelled it at my dog, who is now looking at me with a mix of confusion and pity. Totally worth it. This time in seven weeks (cheeky white blood cell count permitting) I will have received my final dose of chemotherapy and will be patiently waiting for my hair to grow back. There is a little question mark over what happens after chemotherapy (which I will briefly explain to you all next - stay tuned!) but meh to all of that because I hate chemo and I don't care who knows it. Plus I am slightly obsessed with the idea of having a bubble bath, currently I am unable to do that because of my PICC line - first world problems, amirite? So if anyone wants to throw me an impromptu "Halfway through chemo" party then I am totally down, just don't make it a surprise so that I make sure I have one of my wigs on at the time. OK?

Now for a brief explanation of the whole post-chemo plan - previously I was all set to have radiotherapy; this involves a whole load of high-energy waves directed at the specific spot (that Larry so recently kindly vacated) every day for two and a half weeks. Recently, however, I had an appointment with the genetics team as everyone I've met is pretty much shaking their heads and wondering how a 27-year-old with minimal family history got cancer. I wish I could help, but I'm just as confused as them to be honest. At my genetics appointment they explained that I am now being tested for three specific gene mutations; I won't bore you with the technical details but in a nutshell finding these mutations in me could either mean that I'm at a high risk of getting breast cancer again or I'm at a high risk of basically having any soft-tissue cancer in the future (depending on if and which specific mutation they identify). Does that make sense? If not tough, I can't think of an easier explanation. 

What that means in terms of the plan is that if any mutations are found they will offer me a full mastectomy (read total boob lop-off job) in order to completely minimise the breast cancer recurrence risk; I'm putting it out there now that if they offer it to me I will take it. Me and my boobs aren't great friends at the minute and you know what? I'd rather stay alive. Plus I will be looking forward to the completely awesome tattoo I will get where those bad boys used to be, so onwards and upwards I guess. On the flip side, if nothing is found then we will carry on with the radiotherapy as planned, meaning I will and forevermore have very wonkily-sized boobs. I'm getting a tattoo either way though, just try and stop me Mum.

That's pretty much all my cancer updates for now. My hair is still falling out like it's abandoning a sinking ship, chemo still sucks and people are still 100% awesome. Although, on a non-cancer related subject (I know right? There apparently is more to my life than cancer! I don't believe it either) Warren and I have booked most of our honeymoon! We're cruising the Caribbean for a bit (my choice) and then heading to Vegas for the rest (Warren's choice) - if you know Warren then you probably wouldn't have bet on us not going to Vegas to be honest. So basically let's get this wedding over so that I can go on my Honeymoon!*

*Massive joke - I'm also super excited about the wedding too.

Until next time, blog fans!

Love, Meg xx

P.S. Liking my story? Why not follow or subscribe by email below? I promise I won't bombard you with lots of blog posts, I'm strictly a every few weeks kinda gal.

Next stop on the chemo train...

Let's talk about me some more, OK?

Welcome back everyone, it's very nice to see you all again. Apologies for the substantial gap between blog posts, lots of minor things have happened so I decided to save them up and hit you with them in one go. Bam! Let's begin.

First and foremost, chemo still definitely sucks. In fact, following the second dose that I received two weeks ago, I can tell you that the level of suck appears to increase after each subsequent dose. It's not enough that I experienced the same symptoms as before (fatigue, nausea, headaches blah blah blah) apparently my wonderful body decided that it would play a hilarious game of "chemo symptom roulette" for the first week. What this game entails is pretty much me waking up one day and being OK, then waking up the following day and having all the symptoms in one hit. Thanks body. Cue a LOT of me crying and saying "I just want to be OK" (imagine that said in a whiny, childlike voice and it'll be like you were actually there, count yourself lucky that you weren't though); it was messy, it was pathetic, but above all it was fully justified. OK? So now here I sit, slowly getting back to feeling like normal Meg (well let's face it, I'll always be weird but at least I'll feel normal health-wise) and just in time for another chemo dose next week. Come at me, bro.

Also chemo side-note before I move onto a much more fun topic - hot weather and chemo is actually like living death; imagine having a headache, feeling sick and also sweating from every possible pore on your body. I'll leave you with that image to take away, boys and girls. Please enjoy it, that one's on me.

Now we move on to a much more important topic; namely my hair, or lack thereof.

Don't stop reading! There are pictures and everything!

Last time I posted it was to inform you that I was off to the hairdressers to say goodbye to what was left of my hair. That did happen and right now I'm going to do a shameless plug for Buggsy's hairdressers in Hemel Hempstead and the man of the hour - my hairdresser Gavin. This absolute legend of a man opened up his shop early so that I could go and have my head shaved without other people gawping, he even lent me a hat as I forgot to take one (classic Meg) so that I didn't feel exposed and embarrassed getting home. If you need a new hairdresser please go there, tell him Meg sent you - you won't receive a discount, he'll just think I'm an awesome person.

Following the shearing of my head, I then posted a photo to Facebook. If you didn't see it then worry not, here it is in all its glory:

Like my photos in previous posts, I am aware that you are now fully shocked that one person can be so attractive. I know, right? Unfortunately it is a burden that I have to bear, just feel grateful it wasn't given to you. I have to confess that I had possibly way too much fun taking selfies that day, I struggle to take a "serious" selfie so this is the best of about twenty that I took. If there was a selfie school I would definitely enroll myself.

The response on Facebook was incredibly overwhelming, in a good way. Thank you to everyone who commented or liked it; I've said it before but I'll say it again - human beings are awesome things. Following the incredible level of love I received I then felt totally empowered with my new hairdo; phrases like "I got this" and "who needs hair anyway?" swirled around my brain for the next week. I ventured out, I met up with people, I went to see both my two-year-old nieces (one didn't mind it, the other niece took a while to look at/talk to me but we're firm friends again now) and I generally went about my life as normal. As you should right? You can probably sense there is a "but" looming somewhere though...

This "but" (hehe, immature moment) comes in the shape of my appointment last Friday, when I received my free NHS wig (big thank you for that NHS, you rock). I took it home and decided to put it on for a few hours to "get used to it", my intention was to save it and wear it for special occasions - basically anytime I had to wear a posh dress. After those few hours I found I couldn't take it off; I mean, it wasn't stuck to my head in any supernatural/Goosebumps way, I just loved it. So now my new thing is wigs. I have to say sorry though, I tried to be a strong "I've had cancer and I don't care" shaved/bald headed lady, but it wasn't for me; it appears my hair was so much more important to me than I originally thought. Kudos to any strong "I've had cancer and I don't care" shaved/bald headed ladies out there, you are so brave and "you got this!" I'm afraid I won't be joining you just yet. Here's a photo of me wearing the wig (yes it's another terrible selfie):

Now I am addicted to wigs, I have the posh one from the NHS pictured above but I can't really afford to buy those types unfortunately. My new idea is that I am going to buy cheap, synthetic hair wigs in various shades and styles (think Kylie Jenner, if you don't know who that is then you are clearly a much better person than me) then I can pick what wig I would like depending on my mood. If you see me in the future just bear in mind that I know that the wigs are cheap and probably look just that. So just smile and say "I like your hair!" OK? Thanks team! A girl has got to cope with losing her hair somehow, right?

The final photo I will leave you with is me wearing my first purchase, I'm calling it "Sensible Meg":

Well, maybe "Sensible Meg and Toby's butt" is probably more fitting.

Cancer cannot beat me, not when I have wigs and a terrible sense of humour.

Love, Meg xx

P.S. Liking my story? Why not follow or subscribe by email below? I promise I won't bombard you with lots of blog posts, I'm strictly a every few weeks kinda gal.

Finding Chemo.

What. A. Week.

I've just had a coffee and sugary cereal and now I am jumping on that caffeine/sugar high to write this post; once it wears off I'm pretty sure I'll be plunged back into the fiery pit of chemo side-effects so time is of the essence! This is my first post-chemo update and I promise I'll do my best to not be a martyr, but oh-my-word it has been a fully terrible week. So let's start where I left off, on the eve of my PICC line/chemo extravaganza...

I don't really have all that much to tell you about the PICC line insertion part and to be honest it's one of those experiences that you kind of have to go through yourself (which I genuinely hope you never have to) but for those of you who are staring blankly at that phrase, Macmillan have a brilliant summary for you:

"PICC lines (peripherally inserted central catheters) are used to give someone chemotherapy treatment or other medicines. A PICC line is a long, thin, flexible tube known as a catheter. It’s put into one of the large veins of the arm, above the bend of the elbow. It’s then threaded into the vein until the tip sits in a large vein just above the heart."

So yeah, I now have that beauty in my arm for the next eighteen weeks. It is currently covered with a pair of tights that I expertly cut to make sleeve-like; Warren says it makes me look like The Rock (google 'the rock elbow pads' and you'll see) so I guess every cloud, right? Once a week I have to trundle myself back to Mount Vernon hospital to get the line flushed and dressing changed, but other than that I can't say the PICC line has had much impact on my day-to-day life. Well, except for the fact that I have to wear an adult equivalent of a swimming armband over it when I want to wash - something for which I am grateful that only Warren has witnessed. Always wear your armbands when having a shower, kids.

Now onto the main event: the wonder that is chemotherapy.  At 09.30am last Wednesday Warren and I rocked up to Mount Vernon for my first dose. Joy. My chemotherapy medication is a mix of four different types (sometimes one is just not enough, you know?) and is collectively called FEC-T. This is pronounced 'feck tea' which is quite fitting as, due to the insane amount of nausea it caused, it is actually how I feel most evenings. The fact that it is four medications meant that it took a long old time to be given, in total I had two large syringes and two separate bags of medication all given veeery sloowwwly. On top of that I also opted to try their 'cold cap'; because there's some thought out there that if you cool the hair follicles during the treatment then you are less likely to go bald - to be honest I'll give anything a go that promises me I might keep my hair. And I'm talking anything. This had to be put on thirty minutes before treatment and then left on for an hour and a half afterwards. In total we were there for five and a half hours - a whole five and a half hours of my life that I'll never get back, amirite? So it was long, it was cold, and it was extremely boring. One plus is that they gave me coffee and sandwiches for free, nothing is bad when there's free food around. Also, big kudos to Warren for keeping me company throughout the whole process; he wasn't entitled to free sandwiches (that's clearly a cancer perk right there) but he did get free coffee.

Going back to the cold cap, Warren very nicely took a photo of me wearing that beaut for you all to see. If you ever thought I was in any way attractive before then please prepare yourself for something truly sensational - ladies and gents, I give you the cold cap:

I know, I know, but I promise you that is me. You're probably thinking that no one could ever look that attractive whilst receiving chemotherapy but I believe I have achieved just that. I'm pretty proud of myself I can tell you. As a side note though, that thing is bloody cold; I'm talking -3 degrees cold. So cold, in fact, that it affected my ability to concentrate until my head went spectacularly numb, this chemotherapy thing is super fun guys!

So chemotherapy finished and we went home, armed with two types of anti-sickness tablets, steroid tablets and injections I have to give myself to boost my immune system - the fun never ends! Very naive and non-experienced me felt absolutely fine that day and even went as far as to congratulate myself that I had this chemotherapy thing in the bag. I was so very wrong. When I look back now I could actually laugh at my naivety, I had no clue what I was getting into and how reliant on those tablets I would be. The day after treatment the chemotherapy fairies visited and gave me lovely gifts which included (but were not limited to): I-can't-get-off-the-sofa-to-pee fatigue, oh-my-gosh-I-can't-even-think-about-a-kitchen nausea, my-problems-are-the-worst-contest-winning tearful episodes, and my-brain-is-waking-me-up-at-night-to-tell-me-I-have-a-headache headaches. Put those all together and you have a delightful recipe for the worst week of your life - just trust me on that one, OK?

Now I just want to take a break from wallowing in self-pity to say a few thank yous. Basically thank you to everyone that sent me support after my last "woe is me" blog post; you all got me out of my slump and I love you all for that, keep being awesome OK? The second is another big thank you for each and every one of you who has sent me lovely, supportive messages this week. Human beings are amazing, caring things and I cannot thank you all enough. I will never ever be fed up of receiving messages from you all, so thanks team. If you ever need me then I hope I can repay the favour back to you, just try not to make it anytime in this eighteen weeks, alright? I'm a bit busy making a big deal out of my own issues at the minute.

This is a pretty long update, I'm very sorry about that and I am coming to an end soon; I kind of have to end soon anyway, the nausea monster is looming and he wants to play our favourite game of 'how sick do you have to feel before you live in the toilet'. It's a brilliant game, I thoroughly recommend it to all. From speaking to my mum the other day she likened my symptoms to that of particularly nasty morning sickness; except my baby is chemo obviously (not a very common choice of name for a baby I have to admit). To all you ladies who went/are going through that: I salute you. You got this, morning sickness experiencing pregnant women. If a whiny person like me can get through it then so can you! Roll on the next two weeks until I have to cycle through it all again, I cannot wait!

So now I will say goodbye; me and my aforementioned monster are off to nap.
He's also a brilliant big spoon.

Love, Meg xx

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