Chemo-do dragon.

Hi there. 

I want to introduce this latest blog post by explaining that I started this blog for two main reasons: firstly to inform friends and family of what was happening throughout this extremely long process; secondly to have a place to vent my feelings. With that in mind I just want to let you all know that this edition is written very much for the second reason, and it's not a good day. I do have two bits of good news to update you all with though; I'll put that first so that you can stop reading if you're not in the mood for anything depressing. I won't be offended I promise.

So good news first: I have a new nephew! Here he is:

Everyone meet little Henry, he's just so squish-able and lovely! He was born last week on my chemo day so that was a lovely distraction, fun Aunty Meg is onto a winner with all these nieces and nephews! I also have to say that both my sisters are absolute bosses at having babies, they both pretty much had to be persuaded it was time to go to hospital. Proud of you, ladies!

Next bit of good news: remember those genetic tests I spoke about last time? Well earlier this week I found out that I don't have any mutations in those genes, meaning that as far as they're concerned I'm not genetically predisposed to get cancer. This also means that neither are any other members of my family! Woop! This is good news! Although for me personally I kind of put the whole genetics thing onto a metaphorical pile to process at a later date so I'm not cracking out the champagne just yet; that pile is pretty huge so I'm sure it won't be processed for a while. I kind of feel like I've processed enough for now, OK? But I'm so proud of my little genes, those fellas did good! So now I'm just one of those weirdos that got cancer and they don't know why, lucky me right?

So that was the positive stuff. Feel free to cut out now as I'm warning you that it's downhill from here.

Last Wednesday I had my fourth dose of chemo, I'm aware that's not blog-worthy news but what is different is that for that dose and the last two to come I'm now on only one medication; a beauty by the name of Docetaxel. I'm not going to quiz you so you don't need to remember that name but what I would like to draw your attention to is the side-effects linked with this bad boy, these include (but are not limited to):

• nausea,
• diarrhoea,
• loss of appetite,
• feeling weak or tired,
• headaches,
• muscle pain,
• joint pain,
• dry mouth and mouth sores,
• fingernail or toenail changes.

I know what you're thinking, pretty standard chemo side-effect list right? I agree with you there, it is. The problem has come for me is that I have managed to develop all (and I mean all) of these side effects at the same time and they will not leave me alone. Plus, whoever simply typed out 'joint pain' did that side-effect a disservice; imagine laying in bed awake all night because every part of your body is aching and there's nothing you can do about it. Another lady on a cancer forum (FYI - never in my life did I think I'd be a cancer forum subscriber) compared it to 'feeling like you've been run over by a bus' and I 100% agree with her. Well, actually I feel like I've been run over by said bus, which has then reversed back over me for good measure and then everyone on the bus has disembarked and are now videoing me with dreams of going viral. But I get where she was coming from.

Also, fingernail and toenail changes? How generic. What that actually means is that your fingertips will actually throb all day long and your fingernails and toenails will feel like some invisible troll is peeling them off; but when you check them they're still there and if they had faces they would probably be laughing at you. I can't press the buttons on the remote control properly, which majorly upsets me and completely ruins my daily Netflix binges. 

Now, you may be able to sense some anger in my writing today and you would be correct, I am angry. The main reason for this is because it's been nine days since chemo and nothing is improving. Every morning I get out of bed (after my nightly insomnia routine) and it's all still there. If just one thing went away each day I would be a much happier Meg. But it doesn't and I'm not. This feeling is heightened by the fact that I get breathless and tired if I walk for longer than ten minutes so I'm also not really leaving the house, plus it's way too hot to wear my wig at the moment and my head is now 60% bald. So it's pretty crap all round right now. Believe me when I tell you that there have been many tears shed and a whole bunch of weepy counselling sessions with my dog Toby. He's a great listener, I highly recommend him. Thinking of buying him some glasses and a posh notepad and pen so he can really get into the counselling role.

So in summary, I am fed up. It's taken a whole blog to come to that conclusion, but sometimes you've just got to let it out, you know? I promise I will try to make my next post more upbeat, which means I probably won't be posting for a long time. Ha! Also, if any of my lovely colleagues are reading this then I'm so sorry that I haven't been in to see you all lately; you can probably tell that it has been a bit crap but I plan to come back to you as soon as I can. I'm trying the 'power of positivity' thing but my body hates me apparently.

Now if you'll excuse me, Toby has just informed me it's time for our daily counselling session. He gets super mad when I'm late.

To end with here's a little joke I read on the forum:

"Knock, knock."


"Who's there?"


"Not your white blood cells, that's for sure."

Us chemo people are pretty damn funny.

Love, Meg xx

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